did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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