You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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