You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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