And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
