i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
this beer tastes like vomit already
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
