my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
