she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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