Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The uberlube is also flammable
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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