the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he thought i was a dude.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
