I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
