Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
even my farts smell like vagina
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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