So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
