True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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