The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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