I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
