I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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