You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
