Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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