This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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