I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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