Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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