Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
