im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Randomize
