So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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