Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
