Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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