omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
