I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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