god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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