You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
