You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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