Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
