so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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