Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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