His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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