You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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