my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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