What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
