First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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