Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
