your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
