She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
