OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
