I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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