He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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