I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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