Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
