When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
