I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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