I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
